Hi, Sheila, is it? Yeah. I couldn’t help but notice that you are signing up AGAIN to sing karaoke tonight. Yeah…’80s Nite is amazing and you totally did just kill “Alone”…vocally. Vocally, you nailed it. What’s that? Why yes, Sheila, yes it did indeed remind me of Carrie Underwood. Well, at least a version of Carrie Underwood who constantly had to glance at the monitor because she didn’t have her lyrics off-book.
And I know this might be hard to hear, Sheila, but the fact that it reminded me of Carrie Underwood is the problem. The problem I would like to calmly address with you now. You see, Carrie Underwood did not originally make that amazing song famous, Heart did. In 1987.
No, no, not at all! It’s not that I want you to not sign up again…I was just wondering if maybe:
a) You could give some other people the chance to sing for the first time before you sing for the fifth time
b) You could stop dragging your friends into the handicapped stall of the ladies room to “practice” your next “set”*
c) YOU COULD HAVE THE SELF-AWARENESS TO REALIZE THAT THIS IS KARAOKE, NOT AN AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION.
Sheila, you are super cute, and obviously edgy and savvy, what with that taupe-ish greenish-gray nail polish you and all of your friends are wearing. So I’m not trying to “hate,” as it were. But I want you to know that no one here cares that you have an above-average singing voice, or that you were the lead of your high school musical, or that you actually did audition for “American Idol” and you almost got in to see Simon, Paula, and Randy (or Sugar Ray, Ke$ha, “Fire” from Earth, Wind & Fire, Nick Carter, and Smokey Robinson, or whomever the H they’ve got propped up there now.) No, my darling. Singing eight times in one night, vocally “grinding” more than Xtina, wearing a bubble-hem dress, and not knowing the words to the song you are singing are not Kara-OKe.
1) Singing a song not because it is in your range or vocally impressive, but because you love it or you know it to be a crowd-pleaser, in the “let’s everybody have fun!” sense of that term.
2) Knowing enough words to the song/knowing its breaks and patterns enough not to get lost, so that you can focus on having a good time with the audience, not checking out the monitor or yourself
3) Remembering that there is no prize, there’s no contract, there’s no boy worth going out with who is only going to want to go out with you if you can hit the high note in “Lady Marmalade”…this is just good times, and you don’t need to sing, you need to perform.
OK, girlfriend. Now go out there and have fun, OK?
What’s that? You don’t know who Heart is AND you were not yet born in 1987? Excuse me, I have to go kill myself really fast. Have fun with your friends Edward, Isabella, Hermione, Madison, Addison, Mason, and Harper.
*In the interest of full discolsure of lame-ness, I’d like to confess that I, Miss Bliss, have been guilty of this very sin.