Big Sis Fashion Report: Slap Bracelet Smackdown

Once again, Zack Morris Cell Phone welcomes to this space Big Sis, who as usual is outperforming Miss Bliss, this time in the realm of fashion. Just think of Big Sis as the original Barbizon model.

Once, when I was 12, I got pulled over by the Fashion Police…true story.  What was my crime? There was no crime, they just thought I was looking totally radical and they wanted to get a closer look at my stirrup pants, oversized Espirit sweatshirt, and banana clip. I walked away with a slap on the wrist…or should I say, a SLAP BRACELET.

You know those trendy cuff bracelets that InStyle keeps droning on about? Player, please.  They can’t hold a candle to the grandmammy of all statement wristwear, the Slap Bracelet. Is your ensemble looking a little tired? WHOOP-ISSH! In a blink of an eye, that neon-pink, zebra-print slap bracelet just took things to the next level.

These babies were so much more than jazzy accessories. They were a true test of coordination. When applied in front of your peers, a slap bracelet could test your ability to be cool under pressure and your commitment to suffer for the sake of fashion. Applied too weakly, the bracelet would limply curl around your wrist with a languid sigh and everyone would know you were a total wuss. Applied too harshly, and you could end up like one of these chumps who claimed injury and ruined the trend for the whole class.

Care to revive the trend? Luxury retailer Oriental Trading carries slap bracelets for pennies apiece. But if you’re looking to invest in just one quality piece, may I recommend an MC Hammer or New Kids on the Block version, occasionally available on eBay. When the bidding wars begin, please remember that my reflexes are very cat-like after years of slap-bracelet practice. You have been warned.

Miss Bliss notes: Srsly, don’t mess with us on eBay. Our mother “plays” eBay on a near-daily basis, and often “wins.” We’ve been known to swoop down with less than a second left and snatch up your prize. So hide yo’ bids, hide yo’ limits, and hide yo’ reserves, ’cause we outbiddin’ errybody up in here.

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About missblissindc

Miss Bliss lives, works, and reminisces about the golden age of her youth in the Midwest from the DC area. She’s a Scorpio, but only in the good senses of that term. To share your 1980s/1990s mem’ries, e-mail missblissindc@gmail.com.
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4 Responses to Big Sis Fashion Report: Slap Bracelet Smackdown

  1. I am so laughing at your version of Antoine Dodson at the end.

  2. Big Sis says:

    Yes! Antoine could totally be the next EBay spokesperson with a jingle like that.

  3. Meg says:

    Oh lord, this made me happy. My sister and I frequently engaged in “slap bracelet fights” and yes, you had to totally not be a pansy about them on the playground! Good times. Good times.

  4. Lillian says:

    OMFG. The Antoine Dodson eBay jingle is tremendous…I hear a marketing opportunity in your future.

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