A note from your Editrix: On occasion, I will be reporting “live” from about 1996 the contents of the Tom’s vending machine in the commons area of the now-defunct Anderson High School Wigwam complex in Anderson, Indiana. While the vast majority of you gentle readers were not Anderson Indians, it is my hope that these time-capsule snack reports will whet your appetite for the culinary pleasures of yesteryear.
You know what would be good right now? Some Buffalo wings OR some shoestring French fries from Steak ‘n’ Shake OR some freeze-dried “astronaut” ice cream.
But, since none of those snacks are available, let’s eat all of the above at the same time via Andy Capp’s Hot Fries. That’s right, these suckers pack three snack benefits into one questionable product—s’rsly hot, freeze-dried texture, potato-y goodness. Yum, right? Who wouldn’t want to wash down these bad boys with some Crystal Pep?
But wait a minute there, jefe. Do you “rilly” think it’s socially acceptable to eat Andy Capp’s Hot Fries in public? Because it’s not. Why? Look at your fingers, dude! That level of orange residue is not going to help you win friends or influence people. And what’s with your breath? Not even Mentos are going to cool that down. And look at the bag of snacks itself—Andy Capp is an unemployed, drunken loser of a cartoon character. He doesn’t exactly have the popular crowd seal of approval enjoyed by, say, a Calvin or a Dilbert.
Wait, what? We don’t have to worry about the social acceptability of our snacks anymore, because it’s not high school and we’re grown-ups now? Sa-WEET! Pass the Andy Capp’s Hot Fries, and hold the napkin!
Finally, a tip of my hat to WASAW: Writers and Artists Snacking at Work, for not only their memorable send-up of this very product, but for the selfless public service they do on a daily basis—recording their everyday impressions of snacks, to help us all snack well and often.