Miss Bliss and Zack Morris Cell phone are proud to introduce our new featured contributor, Big Sis. Big Sis is two years older than Miss Bliss, and thus lends a perspective of greater authority, maturity, and overall “cool” when it comes to the ‘80s, ‘90s, and virtually any other topic. Let’s put it this way: While Miss Bliss was going to see Color Me Badd open for Paula Abdul (twice), Big Sis was trading rare ”bee-side” Tori Amos live tapes. I hope you’ll join me in welcoming Big Sis as she conferences in on Zack Morris Cell Phone.
The Zack Morris Cell Phone had a great impact on our generation which cannot be denied. But if you truly had your finger on the pulse of early ’90s culture, which this Big Sis certainly did, you would recall a mobile phone of even greater import:
That is, the cell phone from The KLF’s 3 a.m. Eternal video.
What may have seemed like pointless dialing on a rather unwieldy phone was in fact a rousing call to action. Its sounds signaled the dawning of a new era, while acknowledging the wisdom of the ancients. And by ancients, I mean The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, which is some pretty serious sh!t to be dealing with if you’re a preteen Catholic girl from middle America. (Or if you are Tammy Wynette.)
This isn’t the ’80s anymore, folks. Cloaked guys rip on guitars while shrouded women mesmerize you with their passionate, haunting vocals. And just when things can’t get any more mind-blowing, an intense dude appears out of nowhere to break it down for you at 1:52.
Fellow mystics, I invite you to kick back, turn on a wind machine, gather up an interracial posse of friends, and cloak yourselves before you wreck yourselves. Behold the glory that is this video. As the performers periodically beckon to the sky, imagine that they are pointing us all back to 1991, when the cell phones were enormous and time was eternal.